Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
