hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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