I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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