allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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