Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
