I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
