please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
