just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
