I got chris browned last night
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My life is pants optional.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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