If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
you never un-have a 4some
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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