Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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