Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
