You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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