I accidentally had phone sex last night
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
