Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
