Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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