I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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