you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
