I just threw up on my dentist
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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