I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
