Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
what day is it and did you see me today?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
