remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I want a musical about memes.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
