2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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