It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
