there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
