3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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