Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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