So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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