1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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