This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
