i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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