So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
