i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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