awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
