I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
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i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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