2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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