Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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