The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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