ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Can't talk, ducks in the car
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
