We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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