Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
