I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
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I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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