I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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