my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
