Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
