i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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