then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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