My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We left the knife in your bed.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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