in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
