is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
