Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
