There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
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She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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