It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
