The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
