i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
